


I need you

by sxftchaos



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Armin has anxiety and low self-esteem, Character Death, Eren actually goes to therapy, Eren's last name spelled as Jaeger, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Jock Eren Yeager, M/M, Mikasa Ackerman & Eren Yeager Are Siblings, Nonbinary Character, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Supportive Armin Arlert, Supportive Mikasa Ackerman
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:20:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25344580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sxftchaos/pseuds/sxftchaos
Summary: Eren had a good life, parents who loved him, a cool sister, a best friend he could always count on and most important of all, he was happy. But a traumatic event make him a completely different person, and Armin refuses to lose for life the most important person in his life, his best friend.
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Eren Yeager
Kudos: 17





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Before starting I wanted to make something clear, English is not my first language, so there may be a few grammatical errors, I apologize in advance for that. Now enjoy and thanks for reading this story!!

Shinganshina was a city surrounded by a huge mass of forest, so it was not strange to see landscapes of modern buildings and nature everywhere, Eren Jaeger have lived here since he was eight years old, when his family had to move because of his father's work. At first he was alone, he had no friends, possibly because he didn't like most of the kids in his class or maybe because they actually didn't like him very much.

But there was a blond boy with blue eyes who sat right in front of him in class, he was very shy and rarely spoke, he only did it to ask something or answer a question, Eren never saw him with a friend. He also noticed that from time to time the blond had an empty look in his eyes and bruises on his arms, so one day curiosity won over Eren and he followed the kid to find out what was happening to him.

He had been cornered behind the school by three boys who seemed two years older than them, they made fun of him making hurtful comments and as if that wasn't enough one of them started hitting him, the blond tried to protect himself by covering him with both arms but one of the blows hit his face and his nose started bleeding.

Soon, those boys were gone and he finally burst into tears, covering his face with both hands as he sobbed and slowly dropped to the ground until he sat down. Eren decided it was time to get out of where he was hiding and approached him with both hands in his pants pockets, the little blond boy removed his hands from his face and looked at Eren with surprise and fear.

"Doesn't it bother you to be beaten and treated like this?" Eren asked him, sounding a little rougher than he would have liked. "Don't you think it's cowardly not to defend yourself?"

He looked at the tan skinned boy in silence for a few seconds before answering almost without hesitation "I'm not a coward because I haven't run away"

Eren looked at him in silence, analyzing what he had answered. Then he went a little closer and crouched in front of him, from the right pocket of his pants he took out a handkerchief that his mother always gave to him in case he needed it and looking at the other boy, he used it to clean the blood that was coming out of his nose. He was exalted by reflex, but still let the tan skinned boy wipe the blood away. The blue eyed was staring at the other boy with his mouth half open in amazement, as if he thought he was not worthy of such help. "My name is Eren" The boy commented, then the blond grabbed the handkerchief and tilted his head back slightly to stop the bleeding while the handkerchief continued to absorb his blood.

"I'm Armin" He replied, smiling nervously. "Thanks.." Eren said there was no problem and he sat next to him. But this time they didn't keep silent, in fact they talked so much that when they realized it it was too late and possibly their parents were waiting for them at home.

From that moment they became friends, and eventually best friends.

But time flew by and there they were, halfway through their sophomore year of high school, in the school cafeteria surrounded by friends, Armin was there and so was Mikasa, Eren's adoptive sister. Everyone seemed to be having fun because of what Connie said, but Eren didn't laugh, since the morning he had this strange feeling of alertness and nervousness, he didn't know very well the reason why, maybe he was nervous about the game that they would have tonight or the exam that he would have with Professor Smith after lunch.

Armin seemed to notice how distant he was and gently placed his hand on his shoulder capturing Eren's attention, he looked at him and he asked softly "Are you okay?"

The tan skinned boy nodded, then answered "Yes... I just feel a little bad, it will pass, I guess..."

Even after his reply, Armin seemed concerned but didn't insist on it. Armin had changed, he was now bigger compared to when he was eight years old, but he was still small in stature, he still had his bangs and his hair was still long. His eyes were still that beautiful and brilliant blue and his smile was still as pretty as ever. He was really pretty although Eren knew that he didn't think the same as him.

Eren had also changed, he was taller now, reaching almost 5'9, his muscular build was stronger and a little more muscular thanks to the training. His hair was still just as messy and his voice had also changed, leaving behind the childish one. He had also become a bit more outgoing person, getting along with most of his classmates and acquaintances, unlike when he was a child.

Eren's life is good, except for the typical teenage dramas. To being with, he have tried to come out as gay to his family and friends three times and on those three occasions he failed, he simply couldn't for the fear of being rejected despite knowing that everyone would support him, deep down he cared of what they would say, what if someone important to him turned their back on him? He could not stand it. Also, the fact that he likes his best friend, and Armin probably doesn't correspond his feelings, and Eren may never dare to tell him how he feels for fear of ruining their friendship was the cherry on the drama cake. 

The sound of the bell brought Eren out of his thoughts, he sighed listening to the complaints of his friends about having to return to class while taking his bag, he watched as Armin collected his things and as he got up from the table, he asked "Can I accompany you to your class?"

He seemed not to expect that, blushing slightly in surprise "You don't have to.."

"But I want to" Eren replied amused, finding tender how his ears had turned pink.

He didn't try to stop the brunet, knowing how stubborn he was. Armin and Eren only shared two classes together, chemistry and spanish, so they didn't see each other most of the time. Armin had a longer schedule than Eren's because of his electives, in addition, most of his free time in the school was spent in the library where sometimes they studied together. The brunet accompanied him in silence, it was a comfortable silence despite Armin worried sidelong glances, Eren knew he was still worried about how distant he looked, sometimes he was surprised by how easy the blond could read through him.

When they finally reached the door Eren hurried to speak before Armin entered the class "Are you going to the game tonight?" Then he added quickly "It doesn't matter if you can't go or you don't want to go, I get it.."

"Well, today I'm free since it's Friday, so I will go... I haven't seen you play for while now" He said smiling slightly, the taller sighed, happy to hear that "See you later" He said and Eren gave him a smile murmuring a _'See ya'_

Eren saw him enter his english class and he turned on his own axis, going back the way he had come and rushing to get to his history class on time, luckily he was on time and sat in the same place as always. As time passed he realized that his nervousness was not due to the exam with Professor Smith, so he assumed it was maybe due to the game.

After handing in his exam and copying in his notebook what the teacher had written on the board for the next class, the time seemed to go faster than normal and when he least expected it he saw himself going down the stairs on the second floor with Reiner who touched his shoulder to get his attention when Eren didn't hear his calls.

"Dude, hurry up, you know how Coach Levi is like" Right, Levi Ackerman was the physical education teacher and coach of the school team, The Shinganshina Titans, and it really wasn't convenient to bother him being late.

All the way Reiner was talking about the game, although Eren didn't really pay attention to him in the least, he was too busy thinking to do it. Time passed faster and his anxiety grew larger.

The coach instructed the team, telling them the tactics for today's game, the game would not be until night, so they still had time to prepare, Levi even encouraged them, saying _'if we lost we would do it with our heads held high'_

That night there would be Armin and Eren's mother, his father could not attend because of a night shift that he had to cover in the hospital, and Mikasa would stay tonight at Sasha's place, in fact, she didn't like much that he was part of the school team because she doesn't like the idea that he could get hurt at any time. She was sometimes too overprotective but he knew she just really cared about him.

The team trained for a while on the school football field, it was already getting dark and the stands were filling up with some parents and students, finally Coach Levi told them that they had done well and that they should prepare for the game.

After taking a shower, Eren decided to completely ignore that feeling he had since the morning, he was not going to allow that feeling that seemed to have no apparent reason to dominate him. He opened his locker in the dressing room and put on his uniform and pads, except for the helmet and the mouth protector, kept them both in his hands waiting for the moment to put them on.

The game started smoothly and lasted a long time until the Shinganshina Titans took the win by one point, the shouting in the stands was incredible and the team celebrated on the field, later on the invited team kindly congratulated them before retiring from the field. The brunet was exhausted and he needed another shower and change his clothes, and he did, Floch kept talking about their victory with Reiner and Bertolt, the music in the dressing room was too loud and the euphoria showed on everyone's face, but Eren was too exhausted to stay longer, so he said goodbye to everyone saying that he would see them again on Monday.

He walked silently through the empty halls of the school until he came out and found his mother talking to Armin cheerfully, they both were smiling and Armin seemed embarrassed by something she said to him. They both noticed Eren approaching them and got up from where they were sitting to congratulate him.

"Congratulations on the victory" Said his mother, smiling to him a little tenderly.

"You were amazing" He heard Armin say and his tan cheeks blushed softly at his comment.

They talked outside for a while until Armin said that he should already leave because of how late it was and that he have to take the bus to go home.

"We can take you home, it's on the way to ours anyways sweetie" Carla offered.

"Oh no, I don't want to be a bother Mrs. Jaeger" He replied embarrassed.

"What are you saying! You are not a bother, you are like family and you know that I will not stop insisting until you accept" Eren certainly got the stubborn thing out of her, he couldn't help but laugh softly.

"You will never be a bother Armin" He said, being completely honest, the blond seemed surprised by his words but nodded softly as if he was trying to convince himself that what Eren had said was true.

Eren knew very well that he had low self-esteem and that made him wonder how such a beautiful and good person like him could not like himself as much as he liked him.

The way to Armin's house was pleasant, they were both talking and his mother spoke to them from time to time while the radio was playing in the background in a music station that Eren had choose. The road was a little dark since Armin and he lived a little away from the city, in the immense mass of trees that surrounded Shinganshina. The blue eyed was laughing at Eren's mom comments and the green eyed couldn't help but look at him in the rearview mirror, admiring the way his big eyes narrowed and the way his lips curved to show his teeth, and the best of all, the sound of his laugh.

It was about twenty minutes until they finally saw his house, a small blue two-floor house and a beautiful front garden, the lights were on so his grandfather was possibly waiting for him for dinner. Carla stopped right in front of the house and Armin thanked her about three times in a row for bringing him home, she gently replied not to worry. Eren said goodbye to him happily, telling him that he would see him later, Armin said goodbye to him in the same way and got out of the car closing the door behind him. He hurried to the door and again said goodbye to Carla and Eren, shaking his hand and then opening the door of his house and entering.

Eren's mom then continued on the way home, her son turned the volume up a bit on the radio because there was a song that he liked. She looked at him sideways before turning her gaze back to the road and say "You really like him"

He looked at her surprised "How do you know that?" He said almost out of breath.

"A mother always knows..." She recited, smiling without taking her eyes off the road "There is nothing wrong with you liking him, you are free to love whoever you want and you should never be ashamed of who you are" Those were exactly the words that he needed to hear "Also, he is very sweet, I think you should invite him home more often."

"Thanks mom.." He said, sighing with relief and closing his eyes for a few moments. They were silent again, listening to the music and enjoying it.

"Hey, since you and I are alone tonight, don't you feel like eating something tasty? How about we order a pizza when we get home?" She asked sounding happy.

"Sounds good to me" He replied, smiling softly. She looked at her son sideways again without erasing the joy from her face, but the feeling of anguish that Eren thought he had forgotten returned so suddenly that he thought there would be no going back, _but of what?_

It all happened so fast. A deer and a hunter in the middle of the road, his mother not being able to stop because of how fast the car was going and abruptly moving the steering wheel so as not to run over the animal that fled in terror and that man, they quickly moved to the side of the dark road and the car crashed into a huge tree. All of that followed by an immense pain in Eren's head and left arm, glass that cut the skin in his arms as he used them to protect his face of the broken glasses and a disgusting smell of blood and gasoline made him nauseous, he was dizzy from the impact on his head and his vision was blurred, something wet drained from his forehead and when he finally could see clearly he noticed it was his own blood.

Slowly he looked at his side with fear, his mom was full of blood, her neck seemed crooked and her arms also had embedded glass, the worst thing was seeing her hazel eyes before full of life and brightness now empty and opaque, the brunet suppressed a scream and despite the immense pain in his body he approached her to see if she had pulse staining his shaky hands with her blood, it was weak but thankfully she had, soon tears slid down his cheeks and a male voice spoke to him but he didn't understand what he was saying, Eren's ears were ringing, his ribs ached and he wanted the pain in his chest that was even bigger than the pain in his entire body to stop, at that moment all he wanted was for her to be fine, he wanted her to survive and see her eyes shine again and see once more the warm smile that only a few minutes ago she had dedicated to him.

Arms dragged him out of the car and the pain in his chest just grew and grew, so much that he screamed, he screamed until his vocal cords allowed him to and finally he lost his voice, Eren saw the man drag his mother too and heard the sound of an ambulance in the distance. Everything was spinning and he knew that at any moment he would either vomit or pass out, the pain in his head, ribs and arm was excruciating.

_Time was passing so slowly that he thought this torture would never end._

Despite the dim light from the broken car headlights, he could see his mother's blood on his hands as she lay unconscious next to him, the brunet started to shake uncontrollably and the sound of the ambulance was getting closer, he was cold and very afraid, more than he have ever been and by the time they had arrived to help them, an immense darkness surrounded Eren and he fell unconscious.


	2. Chapter 2

The waiting room was kept in an imperturbable silence, occasionally doctors and nurses passed by, but none stopped to report anything. Next to Armin was Mikasa, who was as terrified as he was, Mr. Jaeger kept walking from side to side impatiently. The blond knew tha he probably looked terrible, since he received the news he has not left the hospital and has not slept or eaten at all, he had dark circles and he looked a little paler than usual but at that time he didn't care much about his condition, he refused to rest without knowing that Eren and Mrs. Jaeger were fine.

The hospital was cold and made his skin bristle, so he shrank back in his seat with both legs flexed over his chest, hugging them. This type of situation didn't help much with his anxiety, the only thing it did was help increase it as the hours passed. What if one of them died? What if they both died? What if they did not remember anything, or what if both were unable to move on their own for life? Carla was a wonderful woman and mother, and he admired and appreciated her too much. Eren instead was his best friend, someone he considered very important in his life. Could he live with Eren's absence? Probably not, the blond couldn't bear it, the mere thought made him tremble. How about Carla's absence? She definitely didn't deserve to die, it would be very painful, but it would be even more painful for her family. All possibilities were horrible and very few were good, he took a deep breath knowing he couldn't afford to have a panic attack now. The sound of footsteps brought him back to reality and he watched one of the doctors approach them.

"Relatives of Carla and Eren Jaeger?" Asked the doctor, Mr. Jaeger quickly approached him, while Mikasa and Armin got up and hurried to listen to what the doctor was going to say.

"Are they alright?" Mr. Jaeger asked.

"Well, I'm afraid to say that Carla's condition is not very good... due to the impact of the accident, a brain herniation was generated and right now she is in coma, we are closely monitoring her condition" He paused, Mr. Jaeger had a serious expression despite the news, perhaps he was holding back his emotions so as not to make his daughter and Armin feel worse "She has her neck and back broken, and at the moment you cannot see her" Mikasa was trying to prevent tears from leaking from her eyes. Armin gently placed his hand on her shoulder to let her know that he was there for her, and she sighed, she was strong enough to stay out of this situation, but the fear of losing her family again was bigger "Eren is fine, a few hours ago he woke up and we did the respective studies, he has his left arm and ribs broken, he has gaps in his memory regarding the accident but it's due to mild brain concussion, in a few days it will pass"

"Can we see him?" The blue eyed asked in a choked voice, he was relieved to know that he was alive, but he needed to see him even for a few minutes.

The doctor looked at him in silence before answering "Yes, you can see him, a nurse will guide you to his room"

Mr. Jaeger took the doctor away from them to speak to him in private, he looked distressed, but how could he not be? Finally he stopped talking to him and asked one of the nurses to take them to the room where Eren was. After a silent tour they arrived and Mikasa rushed to open the door. Eren stared thoughtfully at the ceiling of the room, his forehead was bandaged, his left arm had a cast, and he had a purple bruise on his right eye along with small cuts on his right arm that seemed to be healing well and won't leave deep scars. He stopped looking at the ceiling when he heard the sound of footsteps as they entered the room and closed the door. His blue green eyes lacked glitter and looked empty and tired. Armin's chest felt tight as he saw him like that, he bit his lower lip lightly and sat next to him along with Mikasa, who took his right hand gently as if she was afraid of hurting him more.

"Hi son, how are you feeling?" Grisha asked, smiling softly at Eren as he also sat next to him.

"I'm fine, just very sore" He murmured, "Mom is fine? The nurses didn't want to tell me anything.." He looked at Grisha closely, there was some hope in his opaque eyes.

"She will be, just like you... Don't worry" He answered quickly and there was something in his voice that made Armin think he doubted that.

Eren did not answer and stopped seeing his father to now see his sister and his best friend, he smiled at them both slightly, as if he wanted to let them know that everything was fine and that they should not worry about him.

A month and a half went by quickly and many things happened since then, Eren was discharged and now was maintaining treatment from home. Hopes that Carla would wake up were held to the end, even in her last moments of life. And now they were at her funeral, it was a rainy day so everyone was covering themselves of the rain with umbrellas, Mikasa was crying but Eren was silently looking at the gravestone, he said nothing at all during the whole funeral, maybe he had lost hope to say something after all he cried and yelled the day he found out that his mother had passed away, maybe he didn't know what to say, or maybe he didn't want to say what he was thinking and feeling.

When the funeral ended, many came to express their condolences and left the reception until finally only the three of them were left in the rain. Eren still kept his gaze on his mother's gravestone, his eyes were still empty, Mikasa had stopped crying and was looking at the tombstone sadly. Armin sighed also looking at the tombstone, she didn't deserve to die, she was a very good person. Life was sometimes very cruel and unfair.

"I think we should go in now..." He said in a whisper, Mikasa nodded but Eren didn't flinch. "Eren..?" He caught his attention, putting his hand on his shoulder, he finally looked at him and nodded.

They walked silently to the glass door and entered the reception, they left their umbrellas with one of the workers who took care of the belongings and entered the room, the guests talked to each other while others ate the food. The three sat at an empty table a little way from the crowd, although their silence and tranquility did not last long. Sasha, Connie, Marco, Historia, Reiner, Bertolt and surprisingly Jean, who have a weird rivalry with Eren, approached them and sat at the table, everyone gave their condolences to Mikasa and Eren, and then they started a conversation trying to make them feel better although Eren looked uncomfortable and even annoyed with all the conversation, he still didn't comment anything. If Armin was honest, he hadn't heard him say a single word so far this day.

He wanted to help his two friends, but how if he didn't understand their pain? His parents were still alive, but he really didn't care much about how they were or where they were, he didn't have that deep bond that Eren and Mikasa had with Carla, so he didn't understand how they felt. Again his intrusive thoughts took him away from reality, his greatest fear was not being good and strong enough to help them, and that simple thought made him believe that he was _useless_ and was an _awful friend._ The noise around him seemed distant and a growing discomfort increased in his chest. He felt a hand gently holding his under the table, pulling him out of his thoughts, he knew it was Eren's hand almost immediately and he didn't hesitate to receive it and gently caress it with his thumb to comfort him while looking at the green eyed boy in silence, not uncomfortable at all with that gesture because he felt comfortable whenever he was close to Eren, the brunet knew very well that without saying a word the blond was letting him know that everything would be fine, that's when he finally broke down in tears and everyone at the table jumped alarmed and tried to comfort him.

The following days Armin tried to visit Eren and Mikasa, she received him and they talked for a while in the living room of their house, but Eren never came down or left his room, Mikasa explained that he didn't want to see anyone at the moment and wanted to be alone, which the blond understood perfectly but deep down it hurt him that he didn't try to talk to him about it, after all he was his best friend and would always be there for him just as Eren was by his side the day his parents abandoned him.

An entire week went by without seeing Eren, until one day he appeared next to Mikasa in high school at lunchtime, wearing a t-shirt from one of the bands he liked, black ripped jeans and shoes of the same color, he still wore the plaster cast on his left arm but he no longer had the cuts on his skin and the bruise on his eye was completely gone. He had small dark circles under his eyes and looked tired, and what worried Armin the most, he looked different from the Eren he knew. The characteristic shine in his eyes was nil and the authentic and carefree smile he always had was not there.

Mikasa was saying something to him, but Eren was not paying attention to her, when they arrived the table he sat next to Armin and everyone greeted them, glad to see them again and Eren just nodded, smiling slightly. They talked for a while at the table, Eren was quieter than normal, he usually didn't sit still for long, after all he was an active and restless person. He was lost in his thought, much so that he forgot about the annoying bustle in the cafeteria, nor heard the footsteps approaching him from behind. He jumped as he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"What the fuck dude!?" He said with anger in his voice, he looked very upset and had no idea why. Reiner walked away in surprise and immediately apologized. Now everyone at the table looked at Eren in surprise. He looked at them as the anger reflected in his gaze diminished being replaced by remorse "Sorry, I'm on my nerves today.." He apologized to everyone, especially Reiner.

After that incident, Eren began to talk more and smile a little more, as if that was his way of apologizing for making the conversation tense, as if he wanted everyone to forget that event. But Armin was watching him intently and that only made it more difficult for Eren.

Minutes later the bell rang and the students slowly retreated to their classes, Eren got up from the table to go to his Spanish class but Armin hurried to speak, timidly drawing Eren's attention.

"Hey... it's been a while since I last saw you" The blond started saying, looking down "I was worried about you..." He confessed, looking up at Eren's eyes "I was wondering if you wanted to do something today after classes?"

"Sorry about that, I just didn't want to bother you" He answered with a sigh, then he smiled showing a bit of joy on his face "Sure, I'd love to, can we go now?" He was referring of their class, Armin nodded slightly.

Both went to their Spanish class quickly knowing how strict the teacher was and sat in their respective seats. The class passed slowly and Eren kept his gaze on the clock on the wall, eager for the class to end so he could go to his next class and finish the day as quickly as possible. If he was honest, he didn't even want to attend high school yet, he didn't want to see the expression of pity on the faces of everyone he knew, nor did he want to hear their false condolences, but he only attended because Mikasa asked him to. He thought the only thing worthwhile of that day was seeing Armin.

When the fourth period ended he took his things and went to his next class _'Two more periods and you will be free'_ he thought, impatiently moving his pencil over his empty notebook, he had not written a single word on it and it was not that he would care much anyways.

He sighed with relief when his last class of the day ended, the hallways were full of teenagers hurrying to go home or fooling around, he averted his gaze from a group of teens joking about something and across the hall he looked at Armin, both made eye contact and the blond smiled as he approached his friend dodging people in the hallways.

Eren smiled when Armin was finally in front of him and the two continued together until the exit "Where do you want to go?" The brunet asked with interest.

"Well... I was thinking of a quiet place. How about we go to my grandpa's cafe?" Mr. Arlert owned a very cozy and popular cafe for its delicious coffee and desserts, at that time in the afternoon it was not very busy. 

"Sounds good to me" Eren replied, they soon left the institute and walked together in a comfortable silence, Armin's grandfather's cafeteria was not far away so they did not have to walk too much.

Soon the nostrils of both teens were flooded with a delicious aroma of coffee and freshly baked muffins. The place was half empty and the soft music made the stay more peaceful. It was very nice and cozy, there were plants everywhere along with photographs and decorations, both sat at a table in the back next to the big window. Armin's grandfather approached them smiling, asked how they had been doing in class and again gave his condolences to Eren, then asked if they wanted something. They both denied, but Mr. Arlert insisted on bringing them hot chocolate and one of their delicious desserts, and withdrew.

"How have you been?" Armin asked softly, looking closely at his friend.

"Good" Eren replied, looking away for a few seconds to see out the window, Eren knew very well where Armin wanted to direct the conversation so he spoke again "If I'm honest.. I don't feel very comfortable talking about what happened, I hope you understand" He sighed, returning his gaze to the blond "Sorry" He added quickly.

"Why are you apologizing?" The blue eyed asked, but Eren diverted the topic from the conversation.

A smile was drawn on the brunet's face after seeing a photograph of Armin and his grandfather when the blond was ten years old hanging on a nearby wall, the blond looked happy despite everything that had happened back then, his cheeks were rosy and his smile looked authentic, his blue eyes shone brightly reflecting how happy he felt that day "I like that photo" He commented.

The blond looked at him confused, Eren pointed to the photograph and a slight smile appeared on the face of the blue eyed boy "It's a photo with good memories" Armin replied simply. "We had a sleepover that night, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember.. you showed me that book you found in your grandfather's stuff, you looked so excited and you told me that you would love to explore the world with me" Eren's tired face lit up at that cute memory and he couldn't avoid smiling "Do you still want to do it? I mean... Travel with me?" He asked curiously.

Armin's pale cheeks turned a soft pink "Of course I still want" that answer made the brunet's cheeks also blush slightly.

Eren, who had had the worst two months of his life, felt a little more animated and happy to hear that. Armin looked thoughtful for a few moments, and began to say shyly.

"Eren... I don't know if you remember... but that night we pr-" A voice interrupted Armin, it was his grandfather, who brought the hot chocolates and desserts that he had offered them. 

"Here you go guys, I'm sorry for the delay" He said kindly, smiling at both of them. Both thanked seeing how delicious the food looked "Enjoy" Mr. Arlert said before leaving them alone again and going back to work.

They both continued chatting as they enjoyed their hot chocolates and desserts, now joking and laughing. Armin thought that Eren looked happier and more animated than before, in fact he was very worried because Eren looked very distant and lost during lunch and the fourth period, so he was glad to see the green eyed boy smile. Instead, Eren felt guilty for feeling discouraged again despite smiling.

He felt sad, but he thought it was normal, after all his mother had passed away, there was an anger inside him that as the days passed increased at a huge rate, he felt upset, very upset. He had a feeling in his chest that this anger would explode at any moment, and he wanted to believe that everything would pass and he would be the same as ever, that he would stop feeling empty, helpless and miserable inside.

He thought that maybe his anger was because he still didn't remember very well what exactly had happened in the accident and every time he tried to think about it, it gave him a headache and anguish seizes him.

He shrugged in his seat, deciding to ignore his negative feelings and thoughts. _'I can do this, I can do it alone, there is no need to involve others'_ He thought, watching Armin speak with joy.

Time passed quickly and they both realized how late it was getting, Eren tried to pay for the chocolate and the dessert but Mr. Arlert refused saying that it was courtesy of the house. Afterwards he asked Armin to stay and help him a bit before closing the cafe, so Eren and the blond had to say goodbye. The tan skinned boy walked silently to the bus stop, waited a few minutes until one finally appeared, got on the bus paying the driver and walked to the empty seats at the back.

He put on his headphones and randomly chose a song, leaning his head against the bus window and feeling the painfully lonely ride home.


	3. Chapter 3

He shifted uncomfortably in his bed, frowning slightly as sighs escaped his lips, he was sweating so the strands of his hair clung to his forehead. He was having a nightmare where he watched the accident from the distance, he couldn't move because his legs and arms were chained, he couldn't yell or speak either, no sound came out of his mouth. He could see himself screaming as the man dragged him out of the car and his eyes widened when he saw his unconscious mother, full of blood and glass, he did everything possible to get rid of the chains but he couldn't and tried to shout Carla's name, he still couldn't make any noise and instead his front teeth began to fell out. He blinked puzzled, as tears slid down his tan cheeks, he looked down at his teeth in the grass but all he saw were his chained hands covered in blood.

He woke up sitting bolt upright in his bed, breathing heavily as he checked to see if his teeth were still in his mouth, they were still there but that didn't help alleviate how agitated and distressed he felt. He looked at his nightstand, realizing it was too early and he wouldn't have to get up to get ready and go to school in a few more hours.

 _'Whose blood was that?'_ He thought, trying to calm down as he lay back down, it wasn't the first time he had that nightmare, but the teeth and blood thing was new. He knew that he couldn't possibly sleep again and cursed himself for only having slept about four hours, then he did what he did when he couldn't sleep, listening to music. Clumsily in the dark he reached for his headphones and plugged them into his phone and played a song randomly as he stared at the ceiling in his room, surprisingly the music helped him calm down and think a little more clearly.

 _'Was it my blood?'_ Eren questioned.

Hours later the door was opened when the rays of the sun illuminated his room slightly and the voice of Mikasa called him "Eren! Get up or we will be late!"

He jumped with fright and took off his headphones, she was staring at him and then she touched her scarf and leave the room for privacy. Eren knew that she would question him later anyway, he sighed as he got up wearily to leave his room and take a cold shower to awaken his senses. Then he dressed in the first thing he found without really caring if he looked good or not, then he went downstairs for breakfast.

He ate his cereal despite not having much of an appetite and quickly fixed his backpack with what he would need that day. Grisha took them in his car, he was glancing at his children in the rearview mirror and a concerned look appeared on his face when he saw Eren's eye dark circles. "Are you feeling alright son?" He asked worried.

"Yes, I only slept in a bad position" He lied and felt Mikasa's eyes on him "Don't worry" And he smiled at his father, Grisha sighed.

He was concerned about his children. It was not the first time that he lost the woman he loved, his first wife had also died of cancer a long time ago, so he already knew that pain but that didn't mean it hurt less. He wanted his children to feel better, so he did his best to see if they were okay and help them.

Eren didn't feel safe in the car. He had his fists clenched and he felt that his heart would leave his chest at any moment, he felt dizzy and that everything was spinning, yet he remained alert, fixing his gaze on the road. He couldn't allow the same thing to happen again, he couldn't lose Mikasa and his father too.

Fortunately they arrived quickly, both said goodbye to Grisha and got out of the car. Eren took a deep breath, trying to calm down a bit, but his heartbeat was still racing and his hands were sweating. Mikasa asked him if he was okay, he forced himself to smile and said "Of course I am"

She looked at him doubtfully for a few seconds, opened her mouth again to say something, but another voice interrupted her. It was Armin who was approaching them smiling. Eren somehow felt a little calmer when he saw the blond, the trio continued walking together until they entered the institute through the large doors.

The first period was chemistry, the teacher was peculiar but Eren enjoyed the class. Hanji always found a creative way to teach. Armin and Eren entered the laboratory together where several of their classmates were chatting or taking advantage of the fact that Hanji had not entered yet to sleep a little. They sat together on the wood stools, Armin wanted to chat with his friend but was interrupted. Hanji had entered the classroom and excited they greeted the class as those who were still standing took seats.

The class started, they were explaining a theory, but Eren's mind was somewhere else. He was thinking about his dream and what it meant. Although it was strange, because he really didn't want to think about the accident at all. A soft touch caught his attention and he looked at Armin, the blond pointed to his notebook where he had written something.

Are you ok?

His heartbeat accelerated, he picked up his pencil and wrote his answer in his notebook.

Yes.

Armin read the answer, and wrote something in his notebook again.

Are you sure? You look tired.

He sighed, looking at his friend, there was concern in his gaze as he waited for a response from the brunet.

I didn't sleep well because of the pain in my arm.

He lied, well, not entirely. It was a half lie, yes his arm hurt but much less than the first days, in fact, in two weeks the doctors would finally remove the plaster. The main reason for his tiredness and eye dark circles were his recurring nightmares or outright insomnia.

Armin didn't write an answer, instead sighed, returning his gaze to Hanji who was flushed with emotion. The blond bit his lip lightly, and picked up his pencil again to write something to Eren, he couldn't finish because Hanji called out to him, surprising him.

"Armin! Come to the front, help me with the demonstration!" They said, motioning for him to come closer.

Eren looked at Armin, there was a mixture of feelings in his eyes, nervousness and he could perceive a slight discomfort. There was something that bothered him but Eren didn't think it was because of Hanji, and the green eyed wondered if something bad had happened.

The blond stand up shyly and approached to help the teacher. Eren leaned over to see what the blue eyed boy had been writing, there was a simple: Eren you know that you can always..

Eren returned his gaze to the front, where a shy Armin was helping the teacher. He smiled unconsciously as he saw the details of his face. His cheeks were plump and Eren knew very well that they were soft to the touch, his nose was small and round, his eyes were big and as blue as the sea or the sky, there was a sparkle in them that years ago the tan skinned boy thought he would never see again and now he was more than happy to see it again, his eyelashes were small and his eyebrows too, and his lips were a soft pink color and looked delicate, the brunet wondered if they were soft, he wondered what it would be like to touch his lips, kiss them...

He blushed at the last thought and sank a little into his seat. He knew that would never be possible, because he was sure that Armin did not feel the same. Fuck, a second ago he felt good and now he just wanted to cry.

The third period ended and he left the classroom being followed by Sasha and Connie, who were arguing what they were going to eat that day, Eren listened to them in silence and occasionally said something or laughed. He bought something in the cafeteria and together with Sasha and Connie they walked to their usual table where some of their friends were already. Jean and Marco talked and Armin listened attentively, Eren sat next to him as usual and greeted his friends.

Jean, who always made comments to provoke him, lately had not done so, possibly because Marco had asked him to or because deep down he did care about Eren and knew that it was not the time to do it. The brunet commented on how boring some classes were, Jean replied "Algebra above all, I'm failing that shit, I don't understand it and the classes are torture of boredom" he complained with a grimace.

"Jean, we all know you're dumb" Eren replied out of habit, Connie and Sasha laughed. Jean instead looked surprised, then frowned.

"You are twice as dumb, you only do well because Armin helps you" Jean replied, disgusted and then looked at the blond. Armin had a slightly surprised expression and was replaced by a smile. He was worried about Eren, and seeing that he was acting like before made him believe that he really shouldn't worry and Eren only needed time.

"If you're so jealous of my grades..." He began to say calmly "Why don't you ask Marco for help? He's very good at algebra"

Sasha, who was chewing her food nodded, finished chewing, swallowed and said "He is good at explaining, I passed the last exam thanks to him"

"Yeah... I had asked Armin for help once, but I really didn't understand anything... So I asked Marco for help and he explained well" Connie commented, then looked at the blond and quickly said "Sorry"

Armin chuckled lightly "Don't worry, I know I can be messy explaining sometimes... and I really don't know how Eren can understand me..."

"I wonder why..." Jean muttered with a certain mockery in his voice, Eren looked at him with a slight frown and Armin with confusion.

Jean avoided the look of both and put his arm on Marco's shoulder making him blush slightly "Well I guess I have someone who can help me then" Marco nodded and they both smiled. It was obvious that Marco had feelings for Jean, and that the opposite felt the same way, no matter how much Jean tried to convince himself that he liked Mikasa and not his best friend.

Eren looked at them, feeling a little envious and looked down at his food he had barely tasted, opened an envelope of ketchup to put on his hamburger and as soon as he noticed the red color of the ketchup on the meat, and it triggered a flashback where he saw his unconscious mother, fighting between life and death and saw his hands filled with Carla's blood. He could even remember the rotting stench of blood and gasoline. His breathing became heavy and he felt that everything was spinning even worse than how he felt in the morning in the car, he wanted to cry and vomit, if he didn't get up now he would vomit right there.

He jumped up and grabbed his backpack, everyone at the table looked at him confused, he quickly excused himself saying he had to leave because he had forgotten to turn in a pending job he had and he quickly left the cafeteria. He was dizzy and pale, his surroundings were blurred and he felt that at any moment _he would die_ , somehow he managed to enter the men's bathroom, opened one of the cubicles and vomited everything he had in his stomach in the toilet and sobbed breathing hard and feeling his lungs starting to ache, sickened by the taste of vomit in his mouth. He did his best to control his breaths, otherwise he wouldn't have been able to breathe properly again.

He cried for a while on the cold bathroom floor and he felt his chest burn like his eyes. He lowered the lever of the toilet and got up taking his backpack, his legs felt weak but he managed to walk to the sink, he looked at his hands and the memory of blood returned and more tears slid down his tan cheeks, he turned on the tap, put soap liquid from the dispenser in his hand and desperately wiped his hands, as if the trail of blood was still there, then wiped his mouth and face. But his crying didn't stop, he clung to the sink tightly and felt a mixture of sadness, despair and anger. He looked in the mirror and saw how bad he looked, his hair was messy, he had ugly dark circles under his tired red eyes and he also looked very pale.

The sound of the bell announcing the end of lunch made him breathe deeply, again he wiped his face in a vague attempt to remove the evidence that he had been crying, he took his backpack and put it on his shoulder. Unfortunately, he couldn't afford to skip spanish. He left the bathroom and joined the other students who were walking through the halls to go to their classes, he continued on until he entered the classroom feeling eyes on him. He knew it was Armin, he couldn't look him in the eye and avoided looking at him, sitting in his seat before class started.

His nerves were still on edge, his nausea had not stopped and he felt hot, as if the walls of the classroom were coming down on him. He bit his lower lip as he looked impatiently at the clock on the wall and the teacher, his pencil tapping his notebook anxiously. Armin's gaze didn't help much to calm him down, what if Armin knew he wasn't right? No, he shouldn't let him know what he was going through, not after all the suffering the blond's has been through. He also couldn't tell his father or Mikasa, they were both suffering too, he didn't want to make it worse.

He felt so tired, for god's sake, he just wanted to sleep without having the nightmares and memories. Was that too much to ask? Make his nightmares stop? Make everything return to normal? Have his mother by his side when he needed her the most? _Oh right, it was his fucking fault._

**_She died because of him._ **

That thought felt like a dagger being nailed to his chest, deep down, after waking up in the hospital a small voice whispered those words to him, but he never listened to it, refusing to believe it, but now he believed that it was completely right.

At the end of class, he left as quickly as possible before Armin came up to ask him questions. He decided to skip the fifth and sixth period and head to a quiet place to hang out to relax until classes ended, so he went upstairs to the second floor and headed to the library. There were very few students and it was very quiet. He sat at one of the tables that were at the end, near the windows, at that same table there was a blonde girl reading a book and holding it very close to her face.

"Hi Eren" The girl greeted him without taking her eyes off her book.

"Hey Annie" He returned the greeting. It was a history book so he figured she was studying, so he didn't want to interrupt her, Annie wasn't very talkative anyway.

But Annie seemed to want to talk to him that day. "Does it still hurt?" She asked, referring to the injuries from the accident.

Eren felt a little annoyed by the question, but answered anyway "Not really, but the plaster is very uncomfortable and itchy" He looked at the plaster on his arm and sighed "Shouldn't you be in class?"

"I ask you the same thing" And she pushed the book away from her face to look at the green eyed boy "I didn't want to see Mr. Shadis, and you?"

"I wanted to be in a quiet place" He replied, shrugging.

After that they were silent, it wasn't really uncomfortable and Eren was grateful that Annie didn't ask him any more questions, not that he didn't want to talk to her, just that he wasn't in the mood to do it. He hung out on his phone or browsing the shelves, looking at the various books and trying to keep himself busy so as not to constantly think about the memory. He took several books because there were interesting images and sat back at the table, he was distracted watching the images until the last bell of the day rang and voices and laughter were heard in the hallways. Annie got up and said goodbye to Eren before returning the book to its place and leaving the library, Eren saw her meet a girl who he knew was Hitch and both girls left together.

He thought about staying a few more minutes, but as he looked up from the book he was holding again he saw Armin approaching him, there was concern on his face and Eren felt guilty for making him worry. The blond sat next to him and greeted him, Eren returned the greeting and looked away, watching out the window as the students left the institute or chatted outside while closing the book and leaving it on the table.

"How did you find me?" He asked.

"Oh, I met Annie in the hallway and she told me you were here" He explained, and then they were silent until Armin spoke again "Are you okay? In the cafeteria you.. you looked pale and scared" He said. Eren tensed and looked back at his friend "Did something happen?"

Eren knew very well that if he did lie, Armin would know he was doing it, so he decided to tell the truth without giving many explanations.

"Yes, I'm fine.. just stressed with everything that has happened" He sighed "But seriously I don't want to talk about it... Can we just not do it please?"

"Ok, I get it" The blond replied, and reached his hand over to Eren who was lying on the table, taking it gently "I just... I want you to be okay, you know?"

Eren did not expect that, his eyes widened a little in surprise and a slight blush colored his ears and cheeks. He looked at his hands together, it was warm and pleasant, just like the feeling he had every time he was around Armin.

"Yes, I know..." He answered in a whisper, then smiled. Armin smiled too.

"Armin! Eren!" Mikasa's voice approaching both caught their attention and when the brunet looked at the asian girl she was already close to them, the calmness on her face was replaced by slight surprise when she saw the hands of both together, then watched as Eren blushed "Oh... Am I interrupting something?"

"Not really" Armin replied smiling at her "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I just thought we could go home together like we used to" She suggested looking at both boys.

Armin and Eren exchanged glances and nodded smiling. Mikasa smiled too, Eren left the books he had taken in their respective places and the three of them left the library together. They didn't walk much until they took a bus that took them directly to their homes, it was the only bus that went so far from Shinganshina. Eren joked while Mikasa and Armin laughed or commented on something. They had a good time together, and the brunet felt happy, even if it was only for a few minutes.


End file.
